LOSING THE WORLD

I HATE idle time. Past hurts resurface and you experience what you felt before.
Weeks and weeks have passed since the love of my life left me. She gave me three main reasons but she says the list goes on. It was a Friday night when she broke the news to me. I was at her place and she just came out and told me that it was over.

I feel so rotten.
Last I heard from her, she's been seeing a couple of guys already. Maybe the only good thing that came out from this break-up are the songs I was able to write for her. But I'd gladly give up writing good songs if it would make her come back. What good are songs if they were inspired by heartbreak? I'd rather have a love present than good heartbreak songs.

Damn. I miss her so bad.
I miss her smile. This was what drew me to her. She has that perfect smile that could make anybody melt deep inside.
I miss her scent.
I miss the way she walks as she glides onto the pavement as she drags her feet.
I miss the way she laughs.
I miss the way she leans toward me to have me kiss her nose.
I miss waking up beside her.
I miss the way she leaves notes for me.
I miss calling her baby.
I miss hugging her.
I miss kissing her.
I miss holding her hand.
I miss taking care of her.
I miss watching her sleep.
I miss running my fingers through her hair.
I miss making her laugh.
I miss teasing her.
I miss loving her. ...
I miss the way she loves me.
I miss the woman who showed me what true love is.
I miss how being loved feels like.
I will never be loved the way she loved me -- that's for sure. That's what makes it even more painful. What really bites is that the moment I realized that I'd want her to be with me until my dying days, she had let go already. I will never forgive myself for being so dumb.

I have my share of not being able to hold the other end of the line and I definitely have my regrets. I regret not showing how I really felt. I loved her. She's that one woman in my life that I can truly say that I loved so much that it hurt. But it was me, I never showed her how much I cherished having her in my life. I loved her and I showed it to her but she wasn't satisfied... she was right. I know I could've given more. I know I could've showed her more. I was too scared to. Past relationships have brought me to this and I feel bad that I came to this. If only I believed more and loved more, maybe she wouldn't have decided to leave. Maybe.

In the end, all I had were regrets and apologies for my lack.
I'd like to take this chance though to say sorry for all the things I did and didn't do. I did realize a lot of things and that is why I'd like to get this out...

I'm sorry for neglecting you.
I'm sorry for acting weird whenever I was out of town.
I'm sorry for failing to say 'I love you' at times before putting down the phone when we went beyond years.
I'm sorry I failed to say good morning whenever I got up.
I'm sorry for being stubborn.
I'm sorry for not staying with you the whole night whenever I had gigs and you were around.
I'm sorry for getting the last bite/piece.
I'm sorry for making you feel "not enough" when you were more than enough.
I'm sorry for putting up a fight when we had misunderstandings when all I had to do was stop, think, and say "sorry."
I'm sorry for not showing how I really felt.
I'm sorry for not showing up enough at UP.
I'm sorry I wasn't always there to help or comfort you when it came to schoolwork and school problems.
I'm sorry that I didn't put up a guard when someone was trying to take you away from me.
I'm sorry for not sending enough sweet messages to your mobile.
I'm sorry for not being all that mushy.
I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand enough whenever we walked around.
I'm sorry I didn't write enough letters for you.
I'm sorry I gave delayed gifts.
I'm sorry I didn't shop enough for you.
I'm sorry I didn't wash enough dishes.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you often how beautiful you really are in my eyes.
I'm sorry for not embracing you enough.
I'm sorry for not telling you enough that I value having you in my life.
I'm sorry I didn't get to dance with you enough on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I didn't cry enough whenever we fought.
I'm sorry I wasn't that responsible then.
I'm sorry that sometimes, I missed out on the little things.
I'm sorry I was selfish.
I'm sorry I didn't help pay the bills.
I'm sorry that I wasn't all that imaginative in thinking of things to do with and for you, traveling with you, making a mix CD for you with songs about love, writing a little book about us, drawing doodles for you to keep, writing a song for you that was inspired by your love and not because I lost you, and lying beside you on the beach.

I'm sorry I didn't let you know that you are the most important person in my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't assure you that I wanted it to be you forever, early on.
I'm sorry that how I loved you wasn't enough.
I'm sorry that I realized all of these a bit too late.
There was a phase after the break-up that I desperately hoped for things to go back to how it was. I hoped to wake up from this bad dream. But of all the people I'd expect to give me a wake up call, it was her. We had a couple of conversations where she reminded me that it was over. I shouldn't expect anything from her anymore. I had nothing to come back to. But still... The one that gave it away was when we talked the other day. She told me that she's been dating. It's been less than two months and it was too hard for me to accept that the person I've been with for more than four years has been going out already so soon. I told her that it seemed so soon but the answer she gave me crushed everything I held on to... "Hello? It's been two months already!" I've been on the other end suffering from what happened and there she was dating. She has the right, but I wasn't dating because I was hoping. I didn't want to throw away four years that easily. But I was mistaken because it was that easy for her to get on with her life and that was the last nail that shut the coffin of hope.

Now what?
I'm here writing about a love lost as if it would do me good or would it? I have thought of giving up but as they say, "while there's breath, there's hope." It's just hard to wake up each morning being depressed, then the thought enters your mind that, "I'm here in pain and she's somewhere else happily moving on with her new guy." Imagine how painful it is to feel that, every waking day.

I pray that none of you will experience what I went through. I've gone through a couple of relationships already and nothing can compare to the pain of having the person you love so dearly, stolen from you.

I'm not that strong a person when it comes to love. If I didn't have God in my life and my music, I would've killed myself already. Without her, I didn't see any more reason to live. Call me pathetic but that is how I feel.

I have nothing else to do now but write. Write about my emotions. Write about my life. Write about anything just to keep me sane. I am still alive and I will continue to write.

I just hope one day that we'll end up together. I pray that our paths may cross once again and when that day comes, we'll never have to part again. Right now, I will just have to wait and see. It hurts to be away from her and hoping is not as easy as it is said. It is really difficult to have to hang on to uncertainty when every time the phone rings, someone knocks on the door, someone sends me a text message on my mobile, or an e-mail, I'd wish that it's her. I'd wish so badly for it to be her.

It hurts that when the time came that I finally found the person I'd want to spend my life with, she lets go of what we have. I've never felt this degree of wanting someone so bad that you see a life with her and that you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else anymore. I didn't want freedom any longer. I wanted her.

It would've been easier to let what happened pass if she didn't mean anything to me or if love wasn't something that I strongly felt for her. But she was my world. She was my muse. She was my everything. And I was happy. That is why it isn't easy. It isn't easy at all.

Now, I sit here unable to move on and simply hanging on to a hope that is quite unsure. Until my prayers are answered, my heart would be an empty vessel because one Friday evening, I lost the world. And my life has never been the same.

By Cyril Sorongon
YOU contributor